Sunday 14 August 2011

Tears - again

My sister did make it over yesterday. I wasn't doing too bad - I was up and dressed and able to move about.

We had a pretty good day, but later on in the evening I suddenly found myself feeling very strange. It was that feeling I've had many times recently, where it feels like a huge tidal wave of emotion is building up inside me. A few times, that's come to nothing, but not this time.

I wound up lying on the bed sobbing with loneliness. My sister was still there, it was the fact that she would ultimately go home and I'd be left to deal with it all again that I couldn't handle. And the fact that, no matter how much anyone tries to help, I still feel like I'm in this alone, simply because they have the option to forget about the pain for a while, go do something else; I never can.

And it was the unfairness of it all; other people have problems, sometimes terrible ones, but eventually they come to an end. Mine never do. No-one has any solution for me, nothing works and I'm faced with this going on forever.

It must have been horrible for my sister seeing me so upset and not being able to do anything to help. I know it made her feel bad when I talked about her not having been around since we had *that* conversation. I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, everything just seemed so utterly hopeless and I've really struggled with her silence. But I do understand it.

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